You're probably better off apologizing to yourself. A mage isn't the type of person who makes others happy.
[She's not rejecting his confession. Rin is simply being honest. Consistently she has upset him and hurt his feelings even when she didn't explicitly mean to. She's not someone like Shouhei who just accepts all his bad behavior or understands him without explanation. In fact she's likely to hurt him again and again, so... maybe she's just his stepping stone? A place to rest before moving on.
If that's the case, then perhaps he'll find someone better suited to him? For now she gently places the teapot down and settles with her hand around her own cup. Its warmth radiates into her palms pleasantly.]
[ He falls silent again, staring down into his teacup and watching the amber liquid swirl about. She's right, of course. Despite how many times she tried to convince him to move on, he'd stubbornly clung to her. He kept hoping she'd suddenly see things his way and want to let him into her world completely. But that was just another example of his selfishness. ]
[Tension winds through her muscles as his question settles in the space between them. He deserves an honest answer, but Rin really never was one for fairness. Fingers tighten around the warm porcelain as she tries finding a way to reach out to him without saying too much in turn. She doesn't want to lead him on or give him false hope. What if one day she met someone who would be ideal for continuing her family's bloodline? Or perhaps someone with the perfect wallet to balance our her unnaturally bad luck with money?
Tohsaka worries at the inside of her lip. Teeth rolling the soft flesh back and forth as she gnaws on what words she'd like to use. In the end, though... what comes out of her isn't all that well put together.]
Do you think you would be here if you didn't?
[Rude, she knows, to answer a question with a question. But she's always been much nicer to look at than she is to deal with emotionally.]
[ That gets the smallest smile to pull at his lips, if only for a moment. It's a bittersweet confession, of course. Something he wanted to accomplish, but never took the consequences of seriously. ]
You probably hate me for that. Which is fine.
[ The smile slips away as he finally focuses on the reality of the situation. ]
[She exhales that out as her shoulders slump forward. It's late, and she's giving up on her "well crafted image". Rin pushes her teacup and saucer out of the way soe she can just lean and let her top half simply collapse onto the table.]
I hate that I wasn't strong enough to convince you staying away was better. I hate the idea of bringing you into my world and disgusting you with it. I hate the idea that you latching onto me could put you in even more danger.
With everything that's happened this past month, I don't think I'm any safer here with my clan.
[ Three lives lost already. The group slowly disbanding. And with the green clan getting stronger, who knows what's to come. Still, Rin's opening up and letting her actual thoughts be known. It has him feeling a weird mixture of comfort and guilt.
After a long pause, he slides his uninjured arm across the table to rest over her hand. ]
I'll only visit Japan maybe once or twice a year. Clocktower provides dorms on campus, and I'll probably work during the summers. Leaving you at the mansion would only invite more trouble, because I wouldn't be able to keep the wards up and maintained properly with consistent traffic.
[But then there's also the logistics of getting him a ticket and figuring out how to spin him as some sort of apprentice or familiar so she can argue having him in the dorms...]
Give me time to think about it. I'll have to weigh the pros-and-cons. Taking you to London would probably be worse for you, but easier for me. But also it would be expensive and I'd have to lie to the faculty at Clocktower...
[With a sigh she picks herself up from the table top and reaches for her tea again.]
[ He'll claim her spot on the table top, curling his arm up to act as a make-do pillow. As if he wasn't a giant mess already, this is so much to think about. A cluster fuck of hope that he won't be without her and fear that he'll ruin everything for her by staying close. In this moment, he doesn't know which would hurt more, and can't manage to think of anything that would repair it.
He can feel a tightness in his chest again as he turns his head enough to peer up at her. ]
Can I stay in your bed? At least until you're ready to sleep?
[ Bandou's eyes slip shut at the soft attention to his hair. He hasn't worn his hat since the accident, due to the pressure on his scalp not helping his lingering headache. But the gentleness of her fingers is comforting. He hums pleasantly. Perhaps the first positive sound he's made in a week. Or more. ]
Thanks.
[ He sounds exhausted but truly grateful.
Making it up the stairs to her room is an entirely different story, though. It takes far too long, with more pauses to groan than he'd hope to have to take, but he eventually gets there. And it's only the injuries that keep him from falling face first onto the mattress. Instead he takes his time to lay carefully on his back so his arm can rest on his stomach without too much strain. But the blanket's been pulled up far enough to nearly cover his entire face. It's the closest he can get to the cocooned state he usually sleeps in. Plus the scent of her perfumes is comforting. He'll be out far before she joins him. ]
[In the end? Tohsaka doesn't actually do much else in the night. She cleans up the tea she made and her workshop, but that's it. Yet it still takes her about an hour or so to get back to the room. When she finds that Bandou is already out like a light, Rin quietly gets around for bed. Undoing her hair, washing her face, brushing her teeth, slipping into pajamas...
Rin will slip into bed with him. A light, spaghetti strap camisole with matching drawstring shorts as her sleep set. She slips under the covers, and settles in beside him. Side sleeping is the choice of the night. In hopes that she won't instinctively starfish out like she's used to while sleeping alone. Her only hope is that she doesn't exacerbate his issues while they sleep.
Though if she wakes up first, well... Hm. She probably won't wake up first unless his injuries and depression keep him soundly sleeping after 11am.]
[ Bandou rouses at around 10am, his eyes staring blearily at the ceiling of Rin's room until he can remember why he recognizes it. Right, he'd come knocking at her door, expecting nothing but silence to answer. But she'd been here. She welcomed him in. He looks to the side, finding her curled up beside him. It manages to bring a soft smile to his lips, despite the pain of his injuries slowly reregistering in his mind.
He'd hate to wake her early, after he's already burdened her by being here at all. So as carefully as his broken arm will allow, he sits up and manages to untangle himself from the bedding with little movement to the mattress.
When she wakes, if she explores a bit, she'll find he's found solace in her shower. Leaning against the wall, letting the hot water pour over him with little effort made to do much more. ]
[Rin... still is bad at knowing what people may want. Instead of checking on him in the bathroom, she simply hears the shower and leaves him be. Instead she'll brush her hair up into a ponytail, rinse her mouth out and wipe herself with a washcloth in another bathroom, then go to the kitchen to start breakfast.
A pot of ceylon tea is made to mix with milk. Meanwhile Rin is over the stove with cooking chopsticks in hand. A thin, runny batter crisps up before she cracks an egg over it. Scallions and sesame seeds are added before she flips the thin crepe-like structure to brush a chili garlic sauce on the cooked side. This is usually a street food, so hopefully he'll be able to get some protein in him even though he can only use one arm to eat. She'll make sure to fold it over on itself so she can wrap a portion in wax paper so he can eat it without utensils.]
[ Eventually Bandou makes his way down to the kitchen. Perhaps Rin can hear the groan he gives every few steps. While the hot water had felt nice while he was beneath it, the effort it took to dry off and dress himself again seemed to bring the aching back to every part of him.
He shuffles into the kitchen, giving her a brief greeting of 'Hey' before slumping down into one of the chairs. Whatever she's cooking smells wonderful, and he almost wishes he could use the bit of cooking instruction she'd given him to help her out. Alas, being fatigued, aching and left with only your non-dominant hand wouldn't prove to be very helpful. Even pouring the tea could result in more injuries. So, unless she has something else he can do well enough, he'll resort to simply watching while she works. ]
I don't have evaporated milk for the tea, but a little sweetener and a splash of cream should make the milk tea just fine.
[It's not long before he has a plate set before him. Resting above it is the savory crepe-style street food nicely rolled in on itself so it is easy to eat one-handed. The plate is there specifically so he can set it down and drink tea if he'd like. Rin may be shit at expressing her feelings, but she attempts to make up for it with acts of service.]
You know... I could still heal some of that for you.
[Despite all the pain, physical and mental, he's experiencing, he can't help but smile as he looks down to the meal she's prepared. The crepe all neatly folded for his ease. The attention given to making sure the tea is as close as it can be to how he likes it. The second offering of help with treating his wounds. ]
["This part of you," he says. The part of her that shouldn't exist. Tohsaka's eyes fall down to the teacup. Its preparation means that there isn't a reflection for her to stew over, but her brows form a crease all the same.]
No, keeping you here is the selfish part. You don't have to get why, but it is.
[If she were less selfish, less lonely, she would have turned him away. He could have found someone else to lean on. She could have kept being the perfect, solitary mage her sister never got the chance to be.
Like this she is dooming him to living in her world. Like this she is ruining her chance at proving she was the "right sister to keep as heir". Rin wonders... will he still think himself lucky five years down the line? Perhaps he'll come to resent her. Or ask that she wipe his memories so he can return to trying to be a part of the regular world.]
[ And he may never fully get why. Just like Rin will probably never understand why he sticks around despite their ups and downs. He'll set it aside, for now, and enjoy the food she's prepared for him. ]
If you heal my arm, won't you run yourself dry? I'll have to keep it in a sling around the guys, anyway, so they think it's still broken.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[She's not rejecting his confession. Rin is simply being honest. Consistently she has upset him and hurt his feelings even when she didn't explicitly mean to. She's not someone like Shouhei who just accepts all his bad behavior or understands him without explanation. In fact she's likely to hurt him again and again, so... maybe she's just his stepping stone? A place to rest before moving on.
If that's the case, then perhaps he'll find someone better suited to him? For now she gently places the teapot down and settles with her hand around her own cup. Its warmth radiates into her palms pleasantly.]
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Did I make you happy at all?
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Tohsaka worries at the inside of her lip. Teeth rolling the soft flesh back and forth as she gnaws on what words she'd like to use. In the end, though... what comes out of her isn't all that well put together.]
Do you think you would be here if you didn't?
[Rude, she knows, to answer a question with a question. But she's always been much nicer to look at than she is to deal with emotionally.]
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You probably hate me for that. Which is fine.
[ The smile slips away as he finally focuses on the reality of the situation. ]
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[She exhales that out as her shoulders slump forward. It's late, and she's giving up on her "well crafted image". Rin pushes her teacup and saucer out of the way soe she can just lean and let her top half simply collapse onto the table.]
I hate that I wasn't strong enough to convince you staying away was better. I hate the idea of bringing you into my world and disgusting you with it. I hate the idea that you latching onto me could put you in even more danger.
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[ Three lives lost already. The group slowly disbanding. And with the green clan getting stronger, who knows what's to come. Still, Rin's opening up and letting her actual thoughts be known. It has him feeling a weird mixture of comfort and guilt.
After a long pause, he slides his uninjured arm across the table to rest over her hand. ]
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[She turns her hand over in his. Their palms together.]
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[ He doesn't think she'd throw a hypothetical at him again. Not now. Not with him so broken and vulnerable. Still, it's difficult to believe. ]
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[But then there's also the logistics of getting him a ticket and figuring out how to spin him as some sort of apprentice or familiar so she can argue having him in the dorms...]
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[ None of the options are perfect, but he's putting her before himself this time. He gives her hand a weak squeeze.]
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[With a sigh she picks herself up from the table top and reaches for her tea again.]
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He can feel a tightness in his chest again as he turns his head enough to peer up at her. ]
Can I stay in your bed? At least until you're ready to sleep?
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Sure. It won't be long, so I'll join you soon unless I get [distracted while cleaning up magecraft supplies] busy with something time-sensitive.
[Even though she implied she'd kick him out for the good of his injuries, it doesn't seem like she'll actually follow through with it.]
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Thanks.
[ He sounds exhausted but truly grateful.
Making it up the stairs to her room is an entirely different story, though. It takes far too long, with more pauses to groan than he'd hope to have to take, but he eventually gets there. And it's only the injuries that keep him from falling face first onto the mattress. Instead he takes his time to lay carefully on his back so his arm can rest on his stomach without too much strain. But the blanket's been pulled up far enough to nearly cover his entire face. It's the closest he can get to the cocooned state he usually sleeps in. Plus the scent of her perfumes is comforting. He'll be out far before she joins him. ]
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Rin will slip into bed with him. A light, spaghetti strap camisole with matching drawstring shorts as her sleep set. She slips under the covers, and settles in beside him. Side sleeping is the choice of the night. In hopes that she won't instinctively starfish out like she's used to while sleeping alone. Her only hope is that she doesn't exacerbate his issues while they sleep.
Though if she wakes up first, well... Hm. She probably won't wake up first unless his injuries and depression keep him soundly sleeping after 11am.]
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He'd hate to wake her early, after he's already burdened her by being here at all. So as carefully as his broken arm will allow, he sits up and manages to untangle himself from the bedding with little movement to the mattress.
When she wakes, if she explores a bit, she'll find he's found solace in her shower. Leaning against the wall, letting the hot water pour over him with little effort made to do much more. ]
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A pot of ceylon tea is made to mix with milk. Meanwhile Rin is over the stove with cooking chopsticks in hand. A thin, runny batter crisps up before she cracks an egg over it. Scallions and sesame seeds are added before she flips the thin crepe-like structure to brush a chili garlic sauce on the cooked side. This is usually a street food, so hopefully he'll be able to get some protein in him even though he can only use one arm to eat. She'll make sure to fold it over on itself so she can wrap a portion in wax paper so he can eat it without utensils.]
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He shuffles into the kitchen, giving her a brief greeting of 'Hey' before slumping down into one of the chairs. Whatever she's cooking smells wonderful, and he almost wishes he could use the bit of cooking instruction she'd given him to help her out. Alas, being fatigued, aching and left with only your non-dominant hand wouldn't prove to be very helpful. Even pouring the tea could result in more injuries. So, unless she has something else he can do well enough, he'll resort to simply watching while she works. ]
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[It's not long before he has a plate set before him. Resting above it is the savory crepe-style street food nicely rolled in on itself so it is easy to eat one-handed. The plate is there specifically so he can set it down and drink tea if he'd like. Rin may be shit at expressing her feelings, but she attempts to make up for it with acts of service.]
You know... I could still heal some of that for you.
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And you keep claiming you aren't a kind person.
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Have you considered how what I've done could also be selfish?
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[He picks up his crepe, but hesitates taking a bite, instead needing to take a steadying breath. He's trying not to get overly emotional again.]
It means a lot, Rin. And it feels really nice, getting to be the one who sees this part of you.
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No, keeping you here is the selfish part. You don't have to get why, but it is.
[If she were less selfish, less lonely, she would have turned him away. He could have found someone else to lean on. She could have kept being the perfect, solitary mage her sister never got the chance to be.
Like this she is dooming him to living in her world. Like this she is ruining her chance at proving she was the "right sister to keep as heir". Rin wonders... will he still think himself lucky five years down the line? Perhaps he'll come to resent her. Or ask that she wipe his memories so he can return to trying to be a part of the regular world.]
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If you heal my arm, won't you run yourself dry? I'll have to keep it in a sling around the guys, anyway, so they think it's still broken.